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THE RAI's
BROMASE
JIM
CINI
NEHAMA
I2 Eats!
Corndog
Whole and Without
Blessing
What is beautiful alters, has undertow.
Otherwise I have no tactics
to begin with.
Femininity is a sickness. I open my eyes
out of this fever and see
the meaning
of my life clearly. A thing like a hill.
I proclaim myself whole and
without blessing.
or need to be blessed. A fish of my own
spirit. I belong to no
one. I do not move
Am not required to move. I lie naked on a sheet
and the
indifferent sun warms me.
I was bred for slaughter, like the other
animals. To
suffer exactly at the center,
where there are no clues except pleasure.
-Linda Gregg
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Sunday, October 27, 2002-01:47 p.m.
My defenses sometimes flare up without logic. He isn't very animated on the phone. Just speaks the necessary information. Me... I laugh, use voice inflection, generally behave as though I'd like nothing more out of life than to speak with him.
So without reciprocated sentience, I sometimes feel like he may as well be speaking to a wrong number caller.
Pair that with this weight - the cumbrous adoration that I have that I'm too scared to let fly out of my mouth - and I'm shutting down. And his every action is judged, analyzed for sincerity and worthiness.
Until it is spoken, until professed, it isn't valid. So, I am carrying it around with me.
Goddam, it's fucking heavy, b!
Wednesday, October 23, 2002-09:12 a.m.
So my insecurities are just that... my insecurities. He is a wonderful boy and I will see him tonight. He called just to see how my day went. And he is the one who should be checked on... he has a terrible cold and worked at 5:30 am then went straight to classes until 9pm. What a long day for a poor sick boy.
Tuesday, October 22, 2002- 10:04 a.m.
So, I may have a buyer for my car. I'll go and talk it over tonight.
I want to buy a Rav4 or something like it. Possibly a Ford Ranger. Still looking.
Experiencing some Two Month Angst with him. It might be just that I'm strange and insecure, but I am suddenly worried about us... I'm quite invested here and it would suck if he changed his mind about me. He's done nothing to make me think that would happen, I just overanalyze everything.
Last few days at this old job. Then I have a week to myself. I may go to NYC, not sure yet. Then I start the new one 11/4. So much to do!
Friday, October 18, 2002 - 04:26 p.m.
As I was driving up High Street, headed for coffee, I suddenly remembered that I dreamed that he called me his "Beloved" and that made me very happy.
Friday, October 18, 2002 - 02:07 p.m.
Things are good, unless I am wrong. And if I am, then things suck. Cryptic, I know. But such is life.
The cake, for those who can't wait to find out, turned out GREAT!!! There was a moment of panic when the bottom layer split - but crafty me, I GLUED it together with the icing and stuck raspberries (like juicy red band-aids) over the gaping holes where the insides were coming out.
And he was happy.
Which is good... unless things aren't good...
Pork makes the world go round
Here are some stolen laughs...
Wednesday, October 16, 2002-10:53 a.m.
Today is his birthday.
I made a cake from scratch - I'm so domestic! I'll ice it when I get home. It is a rich chocolate cake and the icing will be chocolate and then layered raspberry.
And I bought him a warm soft fuzzy sweater from EMS - his favorite store.
Tonight we'll have a quiet dinner and then eat the cake (unless it's gross!)
Update: Change of plans... we are to have dinner with his mom... we haven't met yet. Oh, I'm lsightly nervous now! ACK!
Thursday, October 10, 2002-09:50 a.m.
Have been afraid of success. Luckily, my fears do not dictate my actions.
Got a great crew of friends in my corner... yes - here in Maine... FRIENDS!!!
Got a great man in my life.
Just landed what could be called my dream job (for this stage of my life anyway) doing Intake and Crisis Response.
I am advancing.
WHAT MATTERS MOST?
Friday, October 4, 2002-02:30 p.m.
Going camping this weekend with Paul and his friends. I'll hike Katahdin and maybe spot a moose!
I am such a Mainer!
Monday, September 30, 2002-02:56 p.m.
THIS COULD BE THE LAST TIME
I almost became a groupie last night.
I kid you not!
Click here then
click on Boise. He is the 5th guy from the left with the big red finger.
He came into my coffe place job yesterday afternoon, we started gabbing about Ratdog and the Dead. He asked me if I was going to their show that night (I wasn't) and if I wanted to.
He's their tour manager and put me on the list. I brought Tim with me. If I hadn't, I am quite certain I'd be on the tour bus ala Bebe Buell.
Sometimes I don't want to do the right thing. He'll be at Fleet Center, he said, in Boston soon and I'll walk around until then... tempted.
Yes, OK, I know. Paul. Remember Paul? Of course I do. This guy just seemed so f'ing powerful and take charge.
I saw him just before the show began and I went up to thank him for putting me on the list. Oh, he says, come see me after the show. I didn't. But OH... in another life I really, honestly would have.
Friday, September 27, 2002-02:05 p.m.
I'd like to go home. Yep, home
Life isn't even going badly here.
It's just not MINE.
I am a product of gang-infested neighborhood and my morals and values reflect that... as much as they can when I live my life in a 98% white state and work a "professional" job.
I'm starting a list of rules that I learned... and will add to it here as I remember. Or as I pick out what the rest of you would deem odd or strange.
Watch This Space!
Thursday, September 26, 2002-09:21 a.m.
He brings me flowers on Wednesdays.
He has this way... of... trailing off... when speaking... then speedingrightupwhenconcluding. It's very cute. He speaks with character and animation.
He gets this very serious-down-to-the-matter-at-hand look on his face when driving. One eyebrow slightly more furrowed than the other.
He gives me a sly grin and kisses me gently when he catches me watching him.
Friday, September 20, 2002-Friday, September 20, 2002
I think I'd like to go see Chuck Palahniuk in Cambridge.
Friday, October 4th
6:00pm - WORDSWORTH BOOKS @ Brattle Theatre
30 Brattle Street
Cambridge, MA 02138
Going to hike Katahdin in a few weeks!
I'm very happy. Yes about hiking. But also just an overall happiness.
I had forgotten what that was like!
Wednesday, September 18, 2002 - 03:24 p.m.
"If you're doing it right, you will feel like overcooked pasta."
-David Reece
Friday, September 13, 2002 - 09:13 a.m.
I have colored my hair. It is now a dark red.
Tonight I have conflicting plans... do I go and see The Boy's family that I love (just cause I left HIM does that mean I have split with THEM too?!) or do I see my new one.
The one that I think about when I open my eyes in the morning and stare out at the flowers he bought me drying against the blue bedroom walls. The one whose voice sends shivers. The one who, in the middle of a moment of intimacy, suddenly starts discussing Camus... and it becomes more passionate.
That one.
I really rather like that one!
Wednesday, September 4, 2002 - 01:06 p.m
At work now, though I feel like %#$(.
I slept from 7pm straight through until morning.
Meetings and projects due but I'm in slo-mo and can't really process. I ache! MMMmmmmm Dayquil, I LOVE you!
I should stay away from my new boy - wouldn't want him to get any part of my achiness...
Feeling like this when so much else is going on just intensifies an already stressful series of events.
Former Boy trying to win me back.
Having an amazing connection with New Boy that actually induces happiness. I wake up thinking of him and start the day with school girl giddiness. He's so wonderful.
This cold or whatever it is causes me to reflect on it all more deeply than I would usually.
That's it for me, I'm heading back home to bed.
Thursday, August 29, 2002 - 03:48 p.m.
So I am now at work listening to Beth Orton
I feel the anticipation, the affects of what is happening here.
A strange melancholy.
Could this really be happening (just as he said last night - "pinch me... are you real?!")
We both have this awe, this wonder.
A child like curiousity about each other.
A comfort in being close.
He whispers, with a soft laugh "You're just like me. You can't stay still!"
I am wide eyed and am walking through the day with heightened senses...
Wednesday, August 28, 2002-10:03 a.m.
What will I talk about with the new boy tonight?
I've got stories.
I've got lots of stories.
And I want to tell them to you... maybe it's not you so much as just someone who will listen.
Of all my past lovers, the ones who matter the most are the ones that shared moments with me.
Like Shryock.
We sat listening to Perry Farrell scream
He listened while I talked about my home and what kind of life Venice was in the 80's. Listened to the stories of violence, drugs, death and destruction of the useless, wasteful lives and the lives of those who would have changed the world.
My first Autumn here in Maine, we took a walk at midnight and the colors of the fallen leaves were breathtaking. It inspired me to ramble about my homesickness
Tales of Spite and the crack houses.
The Cullen boys running a parking lot car wash to try to pay for the burial of their mom after the overdose.
And when The Two Kathys found Leigh in their apartment above The Fig Tree with a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the face.
Shryock was an asshole. But, he listened. So I remember him fondly.
He drank alot. He had no ambition outside of being line cook at Amigos and Stone Coast. He smoked and never did what he said he was going to do.
But he listened. And that made him wonderful.
Monday, August 26, 2002 - 03:08 p.m.
So my cousin Ray Rai and wife Scarlet Rai are due to have their baby any day now.
Daineghan Scott Vaughn Rai
I worked hard all week, and through the weekend too. But it paid off.
HAHA
See, I got a crush on a new boy. Well, he isn't quite new... been silently flirting for a few YEARS now. Not so much speaking, just looking.
After breaking the silence, I see we've got more of a connection than I could have ever imagined.
We stayed up all night on Saturday - because we couldn't shut up! He's f'ing AWESOME!
Thursday, August 22, 2002 - 04:22 p.m.
I recall feeling like my job was important. I haven't felt that for quite some time.
Many of our clients are at the "end of life" stage and it makes me sad. I don't want to feel unimportant in my off work hours, then come into this place of great sadness and feel like my boss is trying to get as much out of me for as little pay as possible.
Yeah, I know... all jobs want to work you to death and pay nothing... but this - it's somehow very goal-crushing. And has made me a smaller person, not a better one.
Everyone, the mom especially, will be pleased to hear me say:
"NO MORE NON PROFIT!"
But this time, I mean it!
Tuesday, August 6, 2002 - 3:44 p.m.
I like this shade of blue. It's the same color as my bedroom walls.
When I open my eyes, I am happy to see it. Another thing I like is that the deck looks out into the trees and makes me feel like I am camping or something. I can hear only hear the sounds of birds and the trees rustling in the wind.
Oh, and some construction going on behind my old house on Kelsey. (annoying!)
Think I'll go to Cali for my birthday. I'm getting a tattoo. Of a sun. On lower back. Significant for many reasons. The sun because I was called "Sunshine" from age 7 on by the gangster's in my non-white neighborhood. I was going to ask the boy to design it. Don't know.
August 2, 2002 - 11:40 a.m.
These are days of dial tones, and things undone. Of silence and stillness.
Words of everyone from Eirik Ott:
"You are a tasty ham sandwich and I am Mama Cass...
You are a daytime Emmy and I am Susan Lucci... "
to Shange:
"i waited and waited to meet him/he is all my insanity and anyone who loves me will understand"
resonate, breaking the calm...
The wires have crossed, transmission is weak and I just can't hear you...
July 31, 2002 - 03:47 p.m.
I haven't eaten for 3 days. Nor would I like to. Maybe tomorrow will be better!
July 23, 2002 - 12:42 p.m.
I hold on to Maine, though it gives me nothing back.
I continue to care for it's abused, it's sick and dying, it's outcast and unwanted...
And I'm left with nothing.
7/18/02 - 10:32 a.m.
I am now back in love with pitas...
look for exciting updates and format changes!
In the meantime, talk amongst yourselves... or read this!
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